guilty

 a part of me, in the most guilty way, wishes i could just move to another state and be really far from my family. they dont see me for who i am, im not rlly close to any of them except my mom and my dads side has disowned me. my sister neglects being my sister, my mom has issues that bleed onto me that arent my responsibility & thats all i have. i feel imprisoned & shrunken. deflated. my cousins dont care ab me and idk. idk why im in this family anymore. im not being dramatic either, this is how i felt my whole life. i feel like a walking wound that is so deep and gnarly that no one wants look at because of my dad. it makes me hate myself and the way ppl treat me does not align with who i know i am on the inside. i just feel like no one can see me but im the one who gets treated as if im blind. i hate this world sm. all i have is god at this poitn but hes shown me he is truly all i need. i wouldnt have made it much longer without him and his love and him seeing me far beyond how i can even see myself 

last month or the month before i was surrounded by people who have the love of god in their lives & they saw me the way god saw me, i felt free to socialize and be funny lil heather. 

 and i felt more love from them than i do my own family. its not my familys fault, they just dont love themselves